I hate being depressed. Most people do its just frustrating and hard to get things done when your depressed. There is just one problem with this. I have a disorder called bipolar II. As part of the disorder I will naturally get depressed.
Lately I have been fighting my depression tooth and nail. It was pointed out to me last night that really I need to allow it. I did not like that one bit. However, when I stop and think I realize its so true. Why you probably are wondering? Let me explain.
With my bipolar I find myself in the manic phase getting a ton done and flying around just full of energy. But in a depressed state I am sad, slow, and generally exhausted.
I have learned that certain things throw me into the depressed state and have learned to avoid those. However, I will get depressed eventually its part of being bipolar.
Lately life has really been throwing the book at me as far as yucky things going wrong. For some reason I have been fighting the depression that has been coming on. This has been a really bad thing. Because of this I am actually causing myself more harm and stress.
So now I am gonna get back to the ebb and flow. I am going to allow myself to be depressed when its time to do so and then allow the natural order to bring me out and back up to my working and getting things done state.
What I have realized is the depression state is a time of renewal and recharge. By fighting the depression I am not allowing for my recharge so I am not getting anywhere at the moment because I am too exhausted to do anything.
So from now on I will be allowing the depression within reason so that I can renew and recharge for the next period of Get it done!!
Thursday, February 10, 2011
Monday, January 17, 2011
TJM: Progress means processing
Recently I went away for two weeks on a vacation to see my boyfriend in Illinois. Just in case your not aware we are in a long distance relationship which in time will be changing.
However, that is not what this entry is about. When I was there I got to see snow again and with it brought alot of strange memories and feelings that I thought I had dealt with so long ago. Things that I had not let go like I thought from my days living in Wisconsin. Perhaps the peace I found within myself has opened up a chance in me to finally process through this stuff I never really let go into the wind. I am too tired to give much detail but ever since I got home last Wednesday every night I have been plagued with dreams that are bazaar and tend to leave me completely annoyed when I awake.
The only conclusion I can come to is my brain is trying to process through all the feelings and memories I so carefully bound up and hid deep in the recesses of my brain. This is what I am hoping anyway. Because if I do not process these things and finally after that sweeping them up and sending them on their merry way I will not be able to progress in my journey to become a better person.
I have weathered storms like this one before but this time is much gentler and other than annoying dreams its a calmer process. I like this more peaceful me.
Just cause I am more peaceful does not mean I don't get mad or stressed cause I do. It just means I can find better alternatives on how to deal in theory.
I am Just ME!
However, that is not what this entry is about. When I was there I got to see snow again and with it brought alot of strange memories and feelings that I thought I had dealt with so long ago. Things that I had not let go like I thought from my days living in Wisconsin. Perhaps the peace I found within myself has opened up a chance in me to finally process through this stuff I never really let go into the wind. I am too tired to give much detail but ever since I got home last Wednesday every night I have been plagued with dreams that are bazaar and tend to leave me completely annoyed when I awake.
The only conclusion I can come to is my brain is trying to process through all the feelings and memories I so carefully bound up and hid deep in the recesses of my brain. This is what I am hoping anyway. Because if I do not process these things and finally after that sweeping them up and sending them on their merry way I will not be able to progress in my journey to become a better person.
I have weathered storms like this one before but this time is much gentler and other than annoying dreams its a calmer process. I like this more peaceful me.
Just cause I am more peaceful does not mean I don't get mad or stressed cause I do. It just means I can find better alternatives on how to deal in theory.
I am Just ME!
Wednesday, December 8, 2010
Friday, November 26, 2010
TJM: Adventures in getting Christmas Cookie Makings!
Today I went out to get a list of ingredients for three types of cookies that I researched on my ipad app EpiCurious. I went to our local market Stater Bros thinking they should have everything. I decided on the way to go to the Post Office to see if I still had my PO Box as I just have not been able to get out there to pay for it or check on it in a few months. Turns out that is a negative. Sad but its ok. Will get a new one in a month or so. Moved on from that to the store.
When I walked in I found a few things first thing. I found that alot of things I needed were on sale today! BONUS! I went to the Baking goods aisle and proceeded to stare at the flour and compare which was the best idea to get lol. then I had to find the Vanilla extract. Then I had to find the semi sweet chocolate which I went with chocolate chips for that as well as the white chocolate. Then came the baking soda and powder. All that was easy enough.... Then I was like hmm I need sprinkles for my sugar cookies. I figured red and green sugar. The problem was I was having a narrow view moment and was stuck on the sugar and flour side of aisle searching for these things. After about 10 min of staring on both sides and stuff I decided to move down the aisle and see if it might be further along. At the other end there they were with lots of other kinds of sprinkles and the frosting. They were on sale for 2 for 3 bucks so instead of just red and green sugar sprinkles I ended up with these; red crystals, green crystals, peppermint crystals, cinnamon crystals and since I was gonna buy the nonpareils aka colorful little balls I also bought bright pink crystals. ;) So not only will my cookies have a variety of colors and shapes some will have other flavors too. :D
I had one last thing to find to be able to complete my list. I needed Candy Canes or little peppermint candies. I searched all over the store including the candy aisle. I am thinking hmm where are the candy canes there should be some. People start decorating today there has got to be candy canes. I asked an employee and they said if we have em they will be at that end cap. No Candy Canes. How rude! I made my purchases and then began the trek home. I decided on my way home I would try the local dollar store to see if they had any. I had forgotten that this particular store is a bit cheesy and usually does not have much. Sometimes you do have a treasure at this little store. Probably should have gone to th dollar store next to Stater Bros. Well I moved on from the dollar store and since I was near Michaels I decided to try them next.
I walked up to Michaels and found lots of Christmas stuff on the outside. That seemed promising so I walked into the store. I saw lots of gingerbread making kits. I looked around that area and found no packages of peppermints or candy canes but found some cheap cookie cutters with some new shapes I dont have. I thought hmm maybe they dont have them either. i went to get in line to pay for the cookie cutters and low and behold there they were in all there green and white box glory! CANDY CANES! MICHAEL'S saves the day! So I bought three boxes. One box for this batch and another box for another batch in two weeks probably and the last box is for my enjoyment ;) then I went to Smart and final for some wax paper and home again home again jiggity jig.
When I walked in I found a few things first thing. I found that alot of things I needed were on sale today! BONUS! I went to the Baking goods aisle and proceeded to stare at the flour and compare which was the best idea to get lol. then I had to find the Vanilla extract. Then I had to find the semi sweet chocolate which I went with chocolate chips for that as well as the white chocolate. Then came the baking soda and powder. All that was easy enough.... Then I was like hmm I need sprinkles for my sugar cookies. I figured red and green sugar. The problem was I was having a narrow view moment and was stuck on the sugar and flour side of aisle searching for these things. After about 10 min of staring on both sides and stuff I decided to move down the aisle and see if it might be further along. At the other end there they were with lots of other kinds of sprinkles and the frosting. They were on sale for 2 for 3 bucks so instead of just red and green sugar sprinkles I ended up with these; red crystals, green crystals, peppermint crystals, cinnamon crystals and since I was gonna buy the nonpareils aka colorful little balls I also bought bright pink crystals. ;) So not only will my cookies have a variety of colors and shapes some will have other flavors too. :D
I had one last thing to find to be able to complete my list. I needed Candy Canes or little peppermint candies. I searched all over the store including the candy aisle. I am thinking hmm where are the candy canes there should be some. People start decorating today there has got to be candy canes. I asked an employee and they said if we have em they will be at that end cap. No Candy Canes. How rude! I made my purchases and then began the trek home. I decided on my way home I would try the local dollar store to see if they had any. I had forgotten that this particular store is a bit cheesy and usually does not have much. Sometimes you do have a treasure at this little store. Probably should have gone to th dollar store next to Stater Bros. Well I moved on from the dollar store and since I was near Michaels I decided to try them next.
I walked up to Michaels and found lots of Christmas stuff on the outside. That seemed promising so I walked into the store. I saw lots of gingerbread making kits. I looked around that area and found no packages of peppermints or candy canes but found some cheap cookie cutters with some new shapes I dont have. I thought hmm maybe they dont have them either. i went to get in line to pay for the cookie cutters and low and behold there they were in all there green and white box glory! CANDY CANES! MICHAEL'S saves the day! So I bought three boxes. One box for this batch and another box for another batch in two weeks probably and the last box is for my enjoyment ;) then I went to Smart and final for some wax paper and home again home again jiggity jig.
Monday, November 15, 2010
WWoW: First Snows
I have lots of memories and even now dreams of first snows. Some of my fondest memories are of looking out the window just before I would sleep seeing the browns of fall. Then waking in the middle of the night or in the wee hours of the morning to find everything blanketed in white. It always delighted me to see the world before anyone even set foot in the snow. To me it was pure perfection seeing the first snow before it was disturbed by the daily activities of human and animal tread. In the wee hours it always seemed as though the world was at peace and so quiet because of the moment I was observing through my window. I always felt blessed to witness the beauty.
One of my other favorite memories and things to do was to make a snow person from the first snows. We had a large yard and in our yard was this wonderful large pine tree. Us kids used to sit under it in the summer because its shade was so cool. If I remember right we called it our favorite tree. Anyway one year when I believe I was still in high school I went out side after a first snow and made a snow family. First I made a snow man, and I remember it taking a long time to roll his first ball and I really enjoyed the exhilaration of the effort it took to push and roll the balls for my snow family. After I made the basic shape of the man I made a woman and she was shorter than the man and they seemed a bit lonely so I made a snow child. By the time I was done I pretty much decimated the snow around them. I collected sticks that had fallen from our trees and rocks from our driveway and gave them all arms and faces. I thought they were pretty awesome. they looked great too despite the lack of snow around them.
We had a warm snap after the first snow which sometimes happens and so they melted a bit but if I remember right they lasted most of the season they just did not quite look the same as they did that first day. Making snow people is one of many winter activities I miss terribly. I hope I can make a snow person again soon.
Do you have any lovely snow stories or snow pictures you wish to share? Comment them here!
One of my other favorite memories and things to do was to make a snow person from the first snows. We had a large yard and in our yard was this wonderful large pine tree. Us kids used to sit under it in the summer because its shade was so cool. If I remember right we called it our favorite tree. Anyway one year when I believe I was still in high school I went out side after a first snow and made a snow family. First I made a snow man, and I remember it taking a long time to roll his first ball and I really enjoyed the exhilaration of the effort it took to push and roll the balls for my snow family. After I made the basic shape of the man I made a woman and she was shorter than the man and they seemed a bit lonely so I made a snow child. By the time I was done I pretty much decimated the snow around them. I collected sticks that had fallen from our trees and rocks from our driveway and gave them all arms and faces. I thought they were pretty awesome. they looked great too despite the lack of snow around them.
We had a warm snap after the first snow which sometimes happens and so they melted a bit but if I remember right they lasted most of the season they just did not quite look the same as they did that first day. Making snow people is one of many winter activities I miss terribly. I hope I can make a snow person again soon.
Do you have any lovely snow stories or snow pictures you wish to share? Comment them here!
Saturday, November 6, 2010
Monday, November 1, 2010
TJM: Halloween shone brighter than the sun.
For many years I just have not really been in the mood for Halloween or any holiday for that matter. I have been disappointed and frankly a bit disillusioned by how my life was not going the way I expected at all. When you are in negative mode there is not alot that can be done to get you out of it. In 2009, I finally after much processing and rearranging my attitude on life I found inner peace. Its an imperfect peace as I believe that no one is ever fully satisfied with themselves. However, if I am to maintain my inner peace that means I will need to be willing to change as well as willing to grow. Because I was still working out the inner peace thing plus my brother and his fiancée had alot of fun distractions added I did not give the holidays my all.
This past year has been a real challenge for me as a person because I have gained health challenges to my life as well as learning to cope with stress upon stress upon stress. I was diagnosed with Poly Cystic Ovarian Syndrome(PCOS) which is very painful at times not to mention there are some lovely body changes that come with it making life just a tiny bit more interesting than you ever wanted it to be. So I was adjusting to this when I developed uncontrolled muscle movements as well as tremors beginning on April 30, 2010. Yet another challenge to my life and something to cause a great deal of discouragement. Its been an exhausting often times discouraging and depressing journey but I have accepted these things as part of me and as acceptable challenges in my personal journey. Without challenges we are nothing and can not grow and learn. My inner peace remains unwaivering and that I believe is why I am able to accept this even in its most frustrating manifestations. Do not get me wrong just because I have accepted the tremors and the fact that I have PCOS does not mean I am taking it lying down. Oh hell no! I am fighting them both with all of my strength and with the help of the doctors the medications they prescribe to help remove the symptoms. Sometimes getting the doctors to do anything is a challenge in itself. However, that is a discussion for another time. For the purpose of this discussion, however I have to tell you that because I have indeed accepted the health issues for what they are which are challenges I am able to concentrate on other things besides the health issues at last.
So I am finding myself wanting to enjoy this holiday season with all its glory fully and with all my heart. Although most people do not see it this way I consider Halloween the official kick-start to the holiday season. Its a special holiday dedicated to pretending, scaring, and celebrating death as well as the dearly departed who have passed before. The last several years I have been one of the people who had to give candy away and I felt like it was a chore more than anything else. This year I decided I was going to actually enjoy it for once. I dressed up as a gypsy and I decorated our front area which was highly complimented. Most years we have spider webs but we did not have them this year. To be honest it still looked fantastic even without the webs. We had no real pumpkins this year either. However, as you can guess I was quite happy with the result and it seems that the patrons that visited felt the same.
Most of the kids just came up to get their candy and moved on. Only because they had parents there to remind them to be thankful did they say it. It was ok most of them were pretty cute and I knew they were grateful even if they did not say it. I had a random young lady tell me she liked my dress. :D Much later in the evening during one of my many large groups of children coming through a young man came up to me and got his candy and then he went back to his parents. There were several kids after him and as I was giving them their candy I could hear a discussion at the end of the driveway occurring from two adults to a child. They were telling the child to go ask her. So the young man came back up to me and said, "My Dad asked me to ask you a question."
"And what is it you would like to ask young man?" I replied.
"My dad wants to know something." he said
"Well I am listening so please feel free to ask." I said kindly.
"My dad wants to know what you are dressed up as." he said as he looked back at his parents.
I smiled and replied. "I am a gypsy!"
"Oh that's right we could not remember the name of what you could be. Thank you!" They said.
The little boy said. "I could have told you that I knew she was a gypsy."
They said, "If you knew why didn't you tell us!"
I just chuckled and said "Happy Halloween!"
I had a good time sitting on the porch serving candy. Its been a long time since I really enjoyed Halloween. It is my goal this year to make the whole holiday season as special as this Halloween. It will be a challenge as we have no real plans. I think I may go to the tree lighting ceremony this year for my city as I enjoyed it the one time I did go. I am also gonna get an Advent Calendar just for fun. I am also considering baking for Christmas but we will see how that goes. The point of the matter is I will be doing everything I can to make this a happy holiday season.
This past year has been a real challenge for me as a person because I have gained health challenges to my life as well as learning to cope with stress upon stress upon stress. I was diagnosed with Poly Cystic Ovarian Syndrome(PCOS) which is very painful at times not to mention there are some lovely body changes that come with it making life just a tiny bit more interesting than you ever wanted it to be. So I was adjusting to this when I developed uncontrolled muscle movements as well as tremors beginning on April 30, 2010. Yet another challenge to my life and something to cause a great deal of discouragement. Its been an exhausting often times discouraging and depressing journey but I have accepted these things as part of me and as acceptable challenges in my personal journey. Without challenges we are nothing and can not grow and learn. My inner peace remains unwaivering and that I believe is why I am able to accept this even in its most frustrating manifestations. Do not get me wrong just because I have accepted the tremors and the fact that I have PCOS does not mean I am taking it lying down. Oh hell no! I am fighting them both with all of my strength and with the help of the doctors the medications they prescribe to help remove the symptoms. Sometimes getting the doctors to do anything is a challenge in itself. However, that is a discussion for another time. For the purpose of this discussion, however I have to tell you that because I have indeed accepted the health issues for what they are which are challenges I am able to concentrate on other things besides the health issues at last.
So I am finding myself wanting to enjoy this holiday season with all its glory fully and with all my heart. Although most people do not see it this way I consider Halloween the official kick-start to the holiday season. Its a special holiday dedicated to pretending, scaring, and celebrating death as well as the dearly departed who have passed before. The last several years I have been one of the people who had to give candy away and I felt like it was a chore more than anything else. This year I decided I was going to actually enjoy it for once. I dressed up as a gypsy and I decorated our front area which was highly complimented. Most years we have spider webs but we did not have them this year. To be honest it still looked fantastic even without the webs. We had no real pumpkins this year either. However, as you can guess I was quite happy with the result and it seems that the patrons that visited felt the same.
Most of the kids just came up to get their candy and moved on. Only because they had parents there to remind them to be thankful did they say it. It was ok most of them were pretty cute and I knew they were grateful even if they did not say it. I had a random young lady tell me she liked my dress. :D Much later in the evening during one of my many large groups of children coming through a young man came up to me and got his candy and then he went back to his parents. There were several kids after him and as I was giving them their candy I could hear a discussion at the end of the driveway occurring from two adults to a child. They were telling the child to go ask her. So the young man came back up to me and said, "My Dad asked me to ask you a question."
"And what is it you would like to ask young man?" I replied.
"My dad wants to know something." he said
"Well I am listening so please feel free to ask." I said kindly.
"My dad wants to know what you are dressed up as." he said as he looked back at his parents.
I smiled and replied. "I am a gypsy!"
"Oh that's right we could not remember the name of what you could be. Thank you!" They said.
The little boy said. "I could have told you that I knew she was a gypsy."
They said, "If you knew why didn't you tell us!"
I just chuckled and said "Happy Halloween!"
I had a good time sitting on the porch serving candy. Its been a long time since I really enjoyed Halloween. It is my goal this year to make the whole holiday season as special as this Halloween. It will be a challenge as we have no real plans. I think I may go to the tree lighting ceremony this year for my city as I enjoyed it the one time I did go. I am also gonna get an Advent Calendar just for fun. I am also considering baking for Christmas but we will see how that goes. The point of the matter is I will be doing everything I can to make this a happy holiday season.
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