TJM: Adventures in being a Donut Hole

Over the last year and a half I have been experiencing a lot of new things.  Some are absolutely wonderful and some are definitely something I could have lived the next decade without experiencing.  Being a huge donut hole aka getting an MRI rates pretty high up there.

Keep in mind I have been waiting a long time and been jerked around by doctors so the fact that I got my MRI today is beautiful and wonderful.  I do not begrudge the MRI for the fact that it is part of my diagnosis journey.  I do however begrudge the way the MRI made me feel.

Because I was excited to finally be making progress toward a diagnosis ( I hope like hell anyway) I hardly slept  last night.  I had some nervousness as this was totally new to me.  That's pretty typical in most people's lives the unknown brings anxiety.  Luckily I have done enough research and my mother as well as others reassured me it would be no big deal.    

So I got up early and took a shower and dried my hair with a dryer which I dont really do.  I like to dry my hair naturally.  Did my daily routine if I am leaving and everything went well.  Then I got to the Radiology Center.  The process for paperwork went well  However, the spilled whole bottle of hand sanitizer in my purse did not make my day well  fantastic.  I was determined anyway.

Paper work filled out I waited and made jokes and talks with my mom.  Eventually they called my name.  Off I went.  I had to sign a paper that stated it was ok to inject me with dye and that I was not pregnant.  Then lock up of my belongings and my glasses.

Off to become a donut hole I went.  I laid down upon the table as she directed.  I put in my ear plugs badly, which if I ever have to do MRI again I will be sure to rectify that.  *laugh*  A wonderful leg pillow thing was put under my knees.  I want one for my bed that is how bloody awesome it was.  Then I was instructed to move up a bit cause I was not on target and then she tightened the pillow around my head and put the large mesh thing with the mirror over my head.  

In general MRI machines are noisy.  So are Cat scan machines.  MRI machines have many many noises and I am going to make a fun video about the sounds the MRI makes.  However, the part that made me uncomfortable was not the sounds so much as the way my body reacted to radio waves concentrated.   Some of the first feelings were vibration.  This I expected as my dear mother warned me about it.  What I did not expect is parts of my body to change position very slightly when the machine was taking its images.  I knew it was doing this because in between  noises when it got sort of quiet my body would move back to normal.  This all I could live with and the vibrating.  Toward the end of the set I found a new reaction happening.  I think it was because they were doing the top of the spine and my throat felt constricted and my chest was feeling very much like a weight was on it.  I just kept breathing deeply and telling myself that it would be worth it.  Thankfully that was when she pulled me out to put the contrasting dye in for the last two pictures.  So she could not find a vein but then she found one.  Then it kept running away.  I felt nothing all that time.  After she removed the arm band constrictor  my arm started to hurt from my elbow to my hand.  She thought I meant burn at first but NO it was PAIN so she put a ice pack on it and it really really helped.  We did the last two pictures and nothing else happened other than the vibration thing.  

So that was my adventure of being a donut hole.

Tomorrow sleep deprived EEG to read my seizures.

HE: What the past teaches

I debated whether I should put this as Horizons Expanded or the Journey Continues.  But I think it belongs here.

During the time from 18 to 36 I finally was able to date and explore the wide world of romantic relationships.  Many were short lived quick little affairs where we had a bit of fun and that was the end of it.  That was fine in my early years of dating.  I was not ready for any commitments or anything.  I just wanted to explore the world and find my path.  Each person taught me a little bit about myself and what I liked and what I did not.  But I am fond of all of them for they helped me build my character and who I am today.  When I did start getting in commited relationships I was so impatient and so busy trying to make it happen how I wanted.  The sad part was my partners were trying to make it happen their way.  There was more conflict than pluses.  Do not get me wrong I had a lot of great times with all my relationships.

But the greatest gift they all gave me was teaching me three things.  They taught me that if I wanted a real relationship communication had to be number one in the relationship before anything else.    I was also taught that I needed to be accepted for myself and at the same time I need to accept my partner for themselves.  This means we both have to love that person for everything even the things that drive you crazy.  We have to accept those things and not try to change them.  Yet allow for change if that is what the person wants to do.  Flexibility for the win.  The third and probably the hardest one for me to learn was to be patient.  I still struggle with this one.   Being in a long distance relationship really tries your patience lol.  But without patience my current relationship would never have blossomed to where it is now.  There still is a lot more to be patient about but it is coming along.

To all my ex boyfriends and the ones who I wished were my boyfriends thank you for all the lessons because you are the reason I have finally found the happiness with my beloved boyfriend.    You all have a special place in my heart and will remain there as my blessings that brought me to this place of love in my journey.

Be Well my beloved friends.

I 'm Just Me!!

TJM: Getting back to the ebb and flow

I hate being depressed. Most people do its just frustrating and hard to get things done when your depressed. There is just one problem with this. I have a disorder called bipolar II. As part of the disorder I will naturally get depressed.

Lately I have been fighting my depression tooth and nail. It was pointed out to me last night that really I need to allow it. I did not like that one bit. However, when I stop and think I realize its so true. Why you probably are wondering? Let me explain.

With my bipolar I find myself in the manic phase getting a ton done and flying around just full of energy. But in a depressed state I am sad, slow, and generally exhausted.

I have learned that certain things throw me into the depressed state and have learned to avoid those. However, I will get depressed eventually its part of being bipolar.

Lately life has really been throwing the book at me as far as yucky things going wrong. For some reason I have been fighting the depression that has been coming on. This has been a really bad thing. Because of this I am actually causing myself more harm and stress.

So now I am gonna get back to the ebb and flow. I am going to allow myself to be depressed when its time to do so and then allow the natural order to bring me out and back up to my working and getting things done state.

What I have realized is the depression state is a time of renewal and recharge. By fighting the depression I am not allowing for my recharge so I am not getting anywhere at the moment because I am too exhausted to do anything.

So from now on I will be allowing the depression within reason so that I can renew and recharge for the next period of Get it done!!